Welcome. You are likely here either because you have an LGBTQIA+ child or you suspect that you may have an LGBTQIA+ child. As the nations oldest parent, ally, and LGBTQIA+ advocacy organization, we are delighted you are here and we understand your concerns and desire to help your child navigate a world that at times can be unfriendly.
Common Questions
We are typically contacted with parents who have similar questions. We thought it would be useful to make our responses public.
My child is 3 (or 4 or 5) and seems to be experimenting with gender. How should I respond?
You should respond by not trying to modify your child’s behavior. Although parents and caretakers may have their children's best interest at heart when they engage in gender policing, the findings show only negative consequences. For example, a 2017 study found that gender policing during childhood and adolescence was associated with recent substance use behaviors and psychological distress in multivariable models.. Gender policing: refers to attempts to correct individual’s gender expression in order to make it conform to the antiquated gender binary. Gender policing can be hurtful and is often done to young children by adults.
It's important to teach our kids that they and others have every right to dress, act, and identify in ways that make them feel good and healthy. Always encourage children to express themselves freely – albeit safely. If you think your child is exploring their identity you can ask them if they are comfortable in their current clothing and if there is any other clothing they might prefer. Ask if they would like to grow out or cut their hair, if they want to try different colors.
By allowing your child to express themselves authentically and freely, your family is reducing your child’s risk of low self-esteem, anxiety and depression. Your actions will help boost their self-image and you will be establishing trust and strengthening familiar bonds.
Should we come out as a family? How open should we be?
Let your child lead. Many families want to be public as it can help them advocate for their child and the child has encouraged them to do so. This may change over time so one needs to keep checking in with their child to gauge their level of comfort. Sometimes a family is pushed into the public eye when they were not prepared. There is no simple yes or no to this question. This is a personal family decision that must be led by the child and with the child’s wishes and mental and physical well-being considered. A child may be comfortable with the family being out in some environments and not in others. There are both risks and rewards for coming out just as there is for staying closeted. Whatever choice is made, establishing a support structure and aligning with the LGBTQIA+ community is paramount. Some situations may necessitate disclosure and those should be handled as they arise.
I feel like my parenting is being judged or that I'm being "blamed" for my child being LGBTQ+. How do I respond to people who question or judge my parenting? Any tips for managing my feelings around this?
It is important to remove toxic influences from your life as much as possible. Anyone who judges a parent negatively for supporting their child is wrong. If you are in a faith-based community that is non-affirming, you must leave. Being LGBTQIA+ does not prevent anyone from being spiritual or religious and there are many welcoming faith-based institutions. No religion or group is worth sacrificing the health of your child or yourself. As much as possible, align yourself with allies.
What are effective tactics for addressing people’s inappropriate questions or comments?
Be very clear when a question is inappropriate. Tell the person in no uncertain language why their question is unacceptable. Do not feel obligated to educate and/or debate every homophobe. Tell people when they are wrong, make your boundaries clear, and tell them where information exists that will dispel mistruths.
How do parents find affirming medical and mental health providers?
Do not assume that all medical and mental health providers have the proper training to be appropriately affirming. Just because a person may be willing to take your child or the practice says it is LGBTQ inclusive, does not mean that they necessarily are properly credentialed. Ask groups like PFLAG to refer you to a competent pediatrician or mental health professional. As questions before you even step foot in the practice such as what specialized training do you have that makes you qualified to treat LGBTQ kids? My child is ____ how much experience do you specifically have with ____ kids in your practice?
How can a parent support an LGBTQ child in school? (E.g engage in a dialogue with teachers, advocate for inclusive education, look for signs of bullying, be proactive, etc)
Kids spend almost as much time in school as they do at home. As advocates, we have to work directly with the school as much as possible. When it comes to school this is not a time to be a hands-off parent. Every year make sure that you meet with the head of the school and the child’s teacher. Tips:
· Do not assume that all educators are informed about supporting LGBTQ kids. Be willing to provide resources to the school.
· Clearly state what name is correct if there is a name that may differ from the current legal name,
· Insist on correct pronoun usage,
· Clarify how public or non-public your child is,
· Insist on an affirming teacher,
· Establish guidelines for school trips and if possible always attend school trips,
· Advocate for a gay-straight alliance (GSA), which are shown to make schools safer and boost performance among LGBTQ students,
· Maintain frequent contact with teachers. That way, you’ll know when issues arise,
· Never tolerate gender policing,
· If necessary, have guidelines for gym class,
· Push for inclusive sex education and if sex ed is non-inclusive or gender separated/specific do not have you TGNC child participate
· Push for inclusive history lessons and complain if you see straight-washing,
· Donate inclusive books,
· Find the allies and identify "safe spaces," such as counselors' offices or designated classrooms, where your child can receive support,
· ALWAYS COLLECT DOCUMENTATION
Look out for signs of bullying
· Behavior change (e.g., your outgoing, sociable child is now withdrawn)
· Discipline or behavioral problems in school
· Declining grades
· Unexplained absences
· Sudden shifts in who’s a friend and who’s not
· Engagement in risk behavior (e.g., drug use, new sexual partner) that is out of character for your child
If your child is being bullied handle it straight on and do not shy away from being vocal. Adult intervention is one of the best defenses against bullying. Avoid victim blaming as it is not your child’s fault. Be hesitant to offer advice as your child is likely being traumatized. Instead show support and empathy and let them know that you will be taking action. Get as much information as possible and look for documentation. Keep your child home for a mental health day while you go to the school. Talk with your child’s teacher, principal, or counselor and insist that they help your child be safe. Ask that the intervention include consequences for the bully. Insist on increased supervision. Your child may feel isolated so look for an LGBTQ youth group, hobbies, clubs, etcetera where they can find peer support. Get your child in counseling to combat the often long-term negative effects of bullying. Finally, encourage your child to keep telling you and other adults.
What should a parent do about old photos of their transgender child on display and/or on social media?
Respect your child’s wishes as old photos might trigger feelings of dysphoria. You do not have to destroy the photos but you can put them away. Remember the photos on social media may also “out” the child.
Is it safe for young children to learn that a relative is gender transitioning?
Absolutely! It is perfectly healthy for a young child to be able to support their transitioning relative. In fact, early exposure will help insure that they become an accepting adult. Interaction with LGBTQ people does not confuse children. There are some outstanding books such as Bunnybear, I Am Jazz, Julian Is A Mermaid, Red: A Crayon’s Story, When Aidan Became A Big Brother, Sparkle Boy, Annie’s Plaid Shirt, and more
When should a parent talk to a child about sex? What should they say?
According to Planned Parenthood, which offers tips for parents, it’s never too early and it’s never too late to start talking with your kid about sex and relationships. They explain that as soon as kids start learning to talk, you can teach them the names of the parts of their body. As soon as they start being around other kids, you can teach them about respecting other people and talking about their feelings. These things lay the groundwork for healthy sexuality and relationships later on. Talking with your kid about sex, relationships, and their health is a lifelong conversation. Doing a little bit at a time instead of having “the talk” takes pressure off you, and helps your kid process your values and information over time. Having regular conversations also sends the message that these topics are important enough to keep bringing up, and are a normal part of life. Learn more at https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/parents/tips-talking
According to True You Maryland, all young people have the right to the information and skills they need to protect their health. They deserve age-appropriate, medically accurate information. Young people deserve answers to their questions about sex and relationships, free of shame and stigma no matter who they are, where they live, or what their income is. Decades of research has found that in addition to helping to improving sexual health outcomes (such as reducing STIs and unplanned pregnancies), sex education can help prevent child sex abuse, create safer school spaces for LGBTQ young people, increase healthy relationships, reduce relationship violence, improve social-emotional learning, and increase media literacy. Research also has shown that sex education can have a transformational impact on school climate by utilizing intersectional approaches that affirm race, gender, and other aspects of identity. High-quality sex education can contribute to dismantling barriers to social and racial justice by promoting equity and inclusion in classrooms and school environments. The partners of True You Maryland, together with our youth advisory board and peer educators, have joined efforts to advance the sexual health and well-being of youth in six rural counties across the state. Their website is full of resources and trainings https://www.healthyteennetwork.org/true-you-maryland/
These questions and answers were put together by Salisbury PFLAG in collaboration with the Wicomico County Health Department True You Maryland initiative.
My child is 3 (or 4 or 5) and seems to be experimenting with gender. How should I respond?
You should respond by not trying to modify your child’s behavior. Although parents and caretakers may have their children's best interest at heart when they engage in gender policing, the findings show only negative consequences. For example, a 2017 study found that gender policing during childhood and adolescence was associated with recent substance use behaviors and psychological distress in multivariable models.. Gender policing: refers to attempts to correct individual’s gender expression in order to make it conform to the antiquated gender binary. Gender policing can be hurtful and is often done to young children by adults.
It's important to teach our kids that they and others have every right to dress, act, and identify in ways that make them feel good and healthy. Always encourage children to express themselves freely – albeit safely. If you think your child is exploring their identity you can ask them if they are comfortable in their current clothing and if there is any other clothing they might prefer. Ask if they would like to grow out or cut their hair, if they want to try different colors.
By allowing your child to express themselves authentically and freely, your family is reducing your child’s risk of low self-esteem, anxiety and depression. Your actions will help boost their self-image and you will be establishing trust and strengthening familiar bonds.
Should we come out as a family? How open should we be?
Let your child lead. Many families want to be public as it can help them advocate for their child and the child has encouraged them to do so. This may change over time so one needs to keep checking in with their child to gauge their level of comfort. Sometimes a family is pushed into the public eye when they were not prepared. There is no simple yes or no to this question. This is a personal family decision that must be led by the child and with the child’s wishes and mental and physical well-being considered. A child may be comfortable with the family being out in some environments and not in others. There are both risks and rewards for coming out just as there is for staying closeted. Whatever choice is made, establishing a support structure and aligning with the LGBTQIA+ community is paramount. Some situations may necessitate disclosure and those should be handled as they arise.
I feel like my parenting is being judged or that I'm being "blamed" for my child being LGBTQ+. How do I respond to people who question or judge my parenting? Any tips for managing my feelings around this?
It is important to remove toxic influences from your life as much as possible. Anyone who judges a parent negatively for supporting their child is wrong. If you are in a faith-based community that is non-affirming, you must leave. Being LGBTQIA+ does not prevent anyone from being spiritual or religious and there are many welcoming faith-based institutions. No religion or group is worth sacrificing the health of your child or yourself. As much as possible, align yourself with allies.
What are effective tactics for addressing people’s inappropriate questions or comments?
Be very clear when a question is inappropriate. Tell the person in no uncertain language why their question is unacceptable. Do not feel obligated to educate and/or debate every homophobe. Tell people when they are wrong, make your boundaries clear, and tell them where information exists that will dispel mistruths.
How do parents find affirming medical and mental health providers?
Do not assume that all medical and mental health providers have the proper training to be appropriately affirming. Just because a person may be willing to take your child or the practice says it is LGBTQ inclusive, does not mean that they necessarily are properly credentialed. Ask groups like PFLAG to refer you to a competent pediatrician or mental health professional. As questions before you even step foot in the practice such as what specialized training do you have that makes you qualified to treat LGBTQ kids? My child is ____ how much experience do you specifically have with ____ kids in your practice?
How can a parent support an LGBTQ child in school? (E.g engage in a dialogue with teachers, advocate for inclusive education, look for signs of bullying, be proactive, etc)
Kids spend almost as much time in school as they do at home. As advocates, we have to work directly with the school as much as possible. When it comes to school this is not a time to be a hands-off parent. Every year make sure that you meet with the head of the school and the child’s teacher. Tips:
· Do not assume that all educators are informed about supporting LGBTQ kids. Be willing to provide resources to the school.
· Clearly state what name is correct if there is a name that may differ from the current legal name,
· Insist on correct pronoun usage,
· Clarify how public or non-public your child is,
· Insist on an affirming teacher,
· Establish guidelines for school trips and if possible always attend school trips,
· Advocate for a gay-straight alliance (GSA), which are shown to make schools safer and boost performance among LGBTQ students,
· Maintain frequent contact with teachers. That way, you’ll know when issues arise,
· Never tolerate gender policing,
· If necessary, have guidelines for gym class,
· Push for inclusive sex education and if sex ed is non-inclusive or gender separated/specific do not have you TGNC child participate
· Push for inclusive history lessons and complain if you see straight-washing,
· Donate inclusive books,
· Find the allies and identify "safe spaces," such as counselors' offices or designated classrooms, where your child can receive support,
· ALWAYS COLLECT DOCUMENTATION
Look out for signs of bullying
· Behavior change (e.g., your outgoing, sociable child is now withdrawn)
· Discipline or behavioral problems in school
· Declining grades
· Unexplained absences
· Sudden shifts in who’s a friend and who’s not
· Engagement in risk behavior (e.g., drug use, new sexual partner) that is out of character for your child
If your child is being bullied handle it straight on and do not shy away from being vocal. Adult intervention is one of the best defenses against bullying. Avoid victim blaming as it is not your child’s fault. Be hesitant to offer advice as your child is likely being traumatized. Instead show support and empathy and let them know that you will be taking action. Get as much information as possible and look for documentation. Keep your child home for a mental health day while you go to the school. Talk with your child’s teacher, principal, or counselor and insist that they help your child be safe. Ask that the intervention include consequences for the bully. Insist on increased supervision. Your child may feel isolated so look for an LGBTQ youth group, hobbies, clubs, etcetera where they can find peer support. Get your child in counseling to combat the often long-term negative effects of bullying. Finally, encourage your child to keep telling you and other adults.
What should a parent do about old photos of their transgender child on display and/or on social media?
Respect your child’s wishes as old photos might trigger feelings of dysphoria. You do not have to destroy the photos but you can put them away. Remember the photos on social media may also “out” the child.
Is it safe for young children to learn that a relative is gender transitioning?
Absolutely! It is perfectly healthy for a young child to be able to support their transitioning relative. In fact, early exposure will help insure that they become an accepting adult. Interaction with LGBTQ people does not confuse children. There are some outstanding books such as Bunnybear, I Am Jazz, Julian Is A Mermaid, Red: A Crayon’s Story, When Aidan Became A Big Brother, Sparkle Boy, Annie’s Plaid Shirt, and more
When should a parent talk to a child about sex? What should they say?
According to Planned Parenthood, which offers tips for parents, it’s never too early and it’s never too late to start talking with your kid about sex and relationships. They explain that as soon as kids start learning to talk, you can teach them the names of the parts of their body. As soon as they start being around other kids, you can teach them about respecting other people and talking about their feelings. These things lay the groundwork for healthy sexuality and relationships later on. Talking with your kid about sex, relationships, and their health is a lifelong conversation. Doing a little bit at a time instead of having “the talk” takes pressure off you, and helps your kid process your values and information over time. Having regular conversations also sends the message that these topics are important enough to keep bringing up, and are a normal part of life. Learn more at https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/parents/tips-talking
According to True You Maryland, all young people have the right to the information and skills they need to protect their health. They deserve age-appropriate, medically accurate information. Young people deserve answers to their questions about sex and relationships, free of shame and stigma no matter who they are, where they live, or what their income is. Decades of research has found that in addition to helping to improving sexual health outcomes (such as reducing STIs and unplanned pregnancies), sex education can help prevent child sex abuse, create safer school spaces for LGBTQ young people, increase healthy relationships, reduce relationship violence, improve social-emotional learning, and increase media literacy. Research also has shown that sex education can have a transformational impact on school climate by utilizing intersectional approaches that affirm race, gender, and other aspects of identity. High-quality sex education can contribute to dismantling barriers to social and racial justice by promoting equity and inclusion in classrooms and school environments. The partners of True You Maryland, together with our youth advisory board and peer educators, have joined efforts to advance the sexual health and well-being of youth in six rural counties across the state. Their website is full of resources and trainings https://www.healthyteennetwork.org/true-you-maryland/
These questions and answers were put together by Salisbury PFLAG in collaboration with the Wicomico County Health Department True You Maryland initiative.
Tips From The Savvy Ally
Creating an LGBTQ+ Inclusive Environment and Building Trust
Many children have a sense of who they are attracted to by the age of 12 and most know their gender by age 5. LGBTQ+ children are likely to be watching and listening for signs that their family members and friends are LGBTQ+ supportive. Below are some suggestions for establishing an LGBTQ+ inclusive and supportive environment in your home. If your child is LGBTQ+ you will be modeling respect and opening the door for them to share their identity with you. If your child is not LGBTQ+, what a powerful message you will be giving them about dignity and respect for all!
1) Tell your child you love them. Tell them over and over and over.
2) Choose LGBTQ+-themed books and movies. Read books to your young child about all kinds of people and families, and where all types of gender roles and expressions are represented. Get “caught” reading an LGBTQ+-themed book yourself or watching an LGBTQ+ themed movie to help stimulate conversations about diversity and inclusion.
3) Take a stand. LGBTQ+ issues are in the news now more than ever before. Strike up a conversation the next time a news story covers something LGBTQ+ related and express your support.
4) Show your pride. Grab a rainbow flag and go to the annual Pride Parade!
5) Un-gender your language. Don’t assume gender when you talk with your child (or anyone for that matter). Try asking question like: “Do you have a date for the dance?” or “Are you going to the movie with anyone special?” Use: friends, folks, or team, instead of boys, ladies, or guys.
Creating an LGBTQ+ Inclusive Environment and Building Trust
Many children have a sense of who they are attracted to by the age of 12 and most know their gender by age 5. LGBTQ+ children are likely to be watching and listening for signs that their family members and friends are LGBTQ+ supportive. Below are some suggestions for establishing an LGBTQ+ inclusive and supportive environment in your home. If your child is LGBTQ+ you will be modeling respect and opening the door for them to share their identity with you. If your child is not LGBTQ+, what a powerful message you will be giving them about dignity and respect for all!
1) Tell your child you love them. Tell them over and over and over.
2) Choose LGBTQ+-themed books and movies. Read books to your young child about all kinds of people and families, and where all types of gender roles and expressions are represented. Get “caught” reading an LGBTQ+-themed book yourself or watching an LGBTQ+ themed movie to help stimulate conversations about diversity and inclusion.
3) Take a stand. LGBTQ+ issues are in the news now more than ever before. Strike up a conversation the next time a news story covers something LGBTQ+ related and express your support.
4) Show your pride. Grab a rainbow flag and go to the annual Pride Parade!
5) Un-gender your language. Don’t assume gender when you talk with your child (or anyone for that matter). Try asking question like: “Do you have a date for the dance?” or “Are you going to the movie with anyone special?” Use: friends, folks, or team, instead of boys, ladies, or guys.
Responding When Your Child Comes Out To You
Whether or not it feels like a big deal to you, coming out to parents is typically a really big deal for a child. If your child comes out to you give yourself a pat on the back. It likely means that you have created an environment where they feel safe and supported. Below are some suggestions for responding after the big reveal. According to the Savvy Ally-
Don’t …
Ask if your child is sure, or imply that it might just be a phase. Even if you truly think that this might just be a phase, stating it is unlikely to be well received or help your child. For now it’s their reality and it should be respected. Simply support them as they navigate their journey of self-understanding.
Ask when they “decided” to be LGBTQ+. Just as straight and cisgender people (i.e., people who are not transgender) didn’t choose or decide to be straight and cisgender, LGBTQ+ people didn’t choose their identities. A better thing to ask is, “How long have you known this about yourself?”
Tell your child that you knew already (even if you did). You may be pleased by your expert sleuthing, but keep it to yourself. Hearing that you knew already may make your child feel foolish or cowardly for waiting so long, diminish the importance of the information they want to share with you, cause them to wonder what they did to make it so obvious, and make them worry that others can also tell.
Do …
Say “thank you.” It is a compliment when someone comes out to you. You might say, “Thank you for trusting me enough to let me know,” or “Thank you for caring enough about our relationship and for being so honest with me.”
Listen. Let your child take the lead on what they want to talk about. They may, in fact, not want to talk about anything. It may just be a huge relief to tell you and know that they are supported. If there is an awkward silence you could throw in one or two of these comments: “I’m proud of you for being authentic,” “I just want you to know that I’m here for you no matter what,” or “This calls for a celebration! Should I bake a cake?”
Ask them how you can best support them. You child is the best guide when it comes to what they need. They may have books they want you to read, terms they want you to know, and possibly even a new name and new pronouns they may ask you to use.
Keep confidentiality in mind. Never out your child to others unless they ask you to. If it doesn’t come up naturally in the conversation, you may want to ask about your child’s plans for telling others. See if there is anything they would like you to do to help. If your child is asking you to use a new name and new pronouns, it will be critical to discuss when and where the new name and pronouns should be used. Clarifying how your child would like you to navigate the use of a new name and pronouns will show how committed you are to supporting them and keeping them safe.
Whether or not it feels like a big deal to you, coming out to parents is typically a really big deal for a child. If your child comes out to you give yourself a pat on the back. It likely means that you have created an environment where they feel safe and supported. Below are some suggestions for responding after the big reveal. According to the Savvy Ally-
Don’t …
Ask if your child is sure, or imply that it might just be a phase. Even if you truly think that this might just be a phase, stating it is unlikely to be well received or help your child. For now it’s their reality and it should be respected. Simply support them as they navigate their journey of self-understanding.
Ask when they “decided” to be LGBTQ+. Just as straight and cisgender people (i.e., people who are not transgender) didn’t choose or decide to be straight and cisgender, LGBTQ+ people didn’t choose their identities. A better thing to ask is, “How long have you known this about yourself?”
Tell your child that you knew already (even if you did). You may be pleased by your expert sleuthing, but keep it to yourself. Hearing that you knew already may make your child feel foolish or cowardly for waiting so long, diminish the importance of the information they want to share with you, cause them to wonder what they did to make it so obvious, and make them worry that others can also tell.
Do …
Say “thank you.” It is a compliment when someone comes out to you. You might say, “Thank you for trusting me enough to let me know,” or “Thank you for caring enough about our relationship and for being so honest with me.”
Listen. Let your child take the lead on what they want to talk about. They may, in fact, not want to talk about anything. It may just be a huge relief to tell you and know that they are supported. If there is an awkward silence you could throw in one or two of these comments: “I’m proud of you for being authentic,” “I just want you to know that I’m here for you no matter what,” or “This calls for a celebration! Should I bake a cake?”
Ask them how you can best support them. You child is the best guide when it comes to what they need. They may have books they want you to read, terms they want you to know, and possibly even a new name and new pronouns they may ask you to use.
Keep confidentiality in mind. Never out your child to others unless they ask you to. If it doesn’t come up naturally in the conversation, you may want to ask about your child’s plans for telling others. See if there is anything they would like you to do to help. If your child is asking you to use a new name and new pronouns, it will be critical to discuss when and where the new name and pronouns should be used. Clarifying how your child would like you to navigate the use of a new name and pronouns will show how committed you are to supporting them and keeping them safe.
Tips for Understanding and Communicating Respectfully With Your LGBTQ+ Child
Mirror your child’s language. Listen to how your child identifies, the terms they use, and the way they talk about people who are important to them, then mirror that language. If your daughter identifies as queer, don’t refer to her as a lesbian, use her language. Have conversations with your child about the terms you should be using, what they mean to your child, and how you can be the most respectful in your language when speaking with your child and with others.
Avoid trying to figure out why. Your child is not LGBTQ+ because of that time you let them paint their fingernails or allowed them to cut their hair really short. No one knows why some people are straight and others aren’t. There is no data on why some people are cisgender and others are transgender. Resist the temptation to blame anything or anyone for your child’s LGBTQ+ identity. Not only is there no causal evidence, but blaming implies that your child is somehow defective. Not cool.
Try not to confuse orientation and gender. Orientation is who we are attracted to. Gender is who we are. They are completely different things. In other words, if your son has come out as gay, it doesn’t mean that he really wants to be a woman. If your daughter has come out as transgender, you have no idea what her orientation is unless she tells you. Don’t get caught up in stereotypes and preconceived notions. A great deal of our impressions and understanding of LGBTQ+ individuals come from the media, where LGBTQ+ people are often portrayed in very stereotypical ways.
Try not to get caught up in preconceived ideas of what being gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender means and looks like. Your lesbian daughter may love makeup. Your transgender son may hate sports. Allow your child the freedom to express themselves however they want and engage in activities of their choosing.
Use the GTQ identities as adjectives. Many people think the words gay, transgender, and queer are nouns, but they’re adjectives. Saying “the gays” is offensive. Please say “gay men” instead. A person is not “a transgender,” they are “a transgender individual.”
Remember that orientation and sexual behaviors are different. Just because your child has come out as gay, lesbian, or bisexual, it doesn’t mean that they are necessarily having sex. Think about how old you were when you first knew whom you were attracted to. It’s common for people to know whom they are attracted to long before they engage in any sexual activity. Use the “Switch It” Technique. Not sure how to talk with your LGBTQ+ child about relationships and sex? Your interactions should be no different than they would be with a non-LGBTQ+ child. Do talk with your LGBTQ+ child about healthy relationships, safety, and access to appropriate care. Don’t ask your LGBTQ+ child intimate sexual questions that you wouldn’t ask a non-LGBTQ+ child.
Mirror your child’s language. Listen to how your child identifies, the terms they use, and the way they talk about people who are important to them, then mirror that language. If your daughter identifies as queer, don’t refer to her as a lesbian, use her language. Have conversations with your child about the terms you should be using, what they mean to your child, and how you can be the most respectful in your language when speaking with your child and with others.
Avoid trying to figure out why. Your child is not LGBTQ+ because of that time you let them paint their fingernails or allowed them to cut their hair really short. No one knows why some people are straight and others aren’t. There is no data on why some people are cisgender and others are transgender. Resist the temptation to blame anything or anyone for your child’s LGBTQ+ identity. Not only is there no causal evidence, but blaming implies that your child is somehow defective. Not cool.
Try not to confuse orientation and gender. Orientation is who we are attracted to. Gender is who we are. They are completely different things. In other words, if your son has come out as gay, it doesn’t mean that he really wants to be a woman. If your daughter has come out as transgender, you have no idea what her orientation is unless she tells you. Don’t get caught up in stereotypes and preconceived notions. A great deal of our impressions and understanding of LGBTQ+ individuals come from the media, where LGBTQ+ people are often portrayed in very stereotypical ways.
Try not to get caught up in preconceived ideas of what being gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender means and looks like. Your lesbian daughter may love makeup. Your transgender son may hate sports. Allow your child the freedom to express themselves however they want and engage in activities of their choosing.
Use the GTQ identities as adjectives. Many people think the words gay, transgender, and queer are nouns, but they’re adjectives. Saying “the gays” is offensive. Please say “gay men” instead. A person is not “a transgender,” they are “a transgender individual.”
Remember that orientation and sexual behaviors are different. Just because your child has come out as gay, lesbian, or bisexual, it doesn’t mean that they are necessarily having sex. Think about how old you were when you first knew whom you were attracted to. It’s common for people to know whom they are attracted to long before they engage in any sexual activity. Use the “Switch It” Technique. Not sure how to talk with your LGBTQ+ child about relationships and sex? Your interactions should be no different than they would be with a non-LGBTQ+ child. Do talk with your LGBTQ+ child about healthy relationships, safety, and access to appropriate care. Don’t ask your LGBTQ+ child intimate sexual questions that you wouldn’t ask a non-LGBTQ+ child.
Parenting Resources for Supporting Your LGBTQ+ Child
Books
Gainsburg, Jeannie. The Savvy Ally: A Guide for Becoming a Skilled LGBTQ+ Advocate. Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield, March 15, 2020.
Owens-Reid, Dannielle and Russo, Kristin. This Is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids. San Francisco, CA: Chronicle Books, September 9, 2014.
Online Resources
My Kid is Gay: Education, support, and resources for the parents of LGBTQ+ youth at https://www.mykidisgay.com
Family Acceptance Project: A research-based, culturally grounded approach to help ethnically, socially, and religiously diverse families to support their LGBTQ+ children and youth at https://familyproject.sfsu.edu/
Loving Families: Online support, education, and links to local groups offered by PFLAG, the nation’s oldest and largest organization for parents, families, and allies of LGBTQ+ people at https://pflag.org/loving-families
True You Maryland https://www.healthyteennetwork.org/true-you-maryland/
Books
Gainsburg, Jeannie. The Savvy Ally: A Guide for Becoming a Skilled LGBTQ+ Advocate. Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield, March 15, 2020.
Owens-Reid, Dannielle and Russo, Kristin. This Is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids. San Francisco, CA: Chronicle Books, September 9, 2014.
Online Resources
My Kid is Gay: Education, support, and resources for the parents of LGBTQ+ youth at https://www.mykidisgay.com
Family Acceptance Project: A research-based, culturally grounded approach to help ethnically, socially, and religiously diverse families to support their LGBTQ+ children and youth at https://familyproject.sfsu.edu/
Loving Families: Online support, education, and links to local groups offered by PFLAG, the nation’s oldest and largest organization for parents, families, and allies of LGBTQ+ people at https://pflag.org/loving-families
True You Maryland https://www.healthyteennetwork.org/true-you-maryland/
